Conversations take place all the time. Sometimes they are short and take the form of politeness such as the, "How's your day"? Other times, conversations are lengthy easy going conversations where each person involved is relaxed and enjoying the back and forth listening and talking.
There are other conversations though; those conversations that we dread. Conversations that we don't want to have and spend a great deal of time emotionally dealing with the conversation to come, the emotions during the conversation, and the emotional fallout from the conversation. These types of conversations, as stressful as they are, are helpful and help us and others to move forward.
Recently, I've read Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High which basically is a tool kit for people to use when difficult conversations must take place. So what exactly makes a conversation crucial? According to the authors, crucial conversations are those where participants have varying opinions, stakes are high, and emotions run strong (Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler, 2012, p. 2). People have a tendency to avoid these conversations or handle them poorly when they actually do take place. There is a third option though,and the authors carefully outline steps to maneuver crucial conversations and provide examples that easily convey how these conversations can go well, teaching the necessary skills to to have successful crucial conversations. As I prepare to share my EPortfolio initiative, it's important for me to consider how I will handle crucial conversations as they come up, because they will. It's better for me to plan for these types of conversations and have the skills necessary to handle them if I want my EPortfolio initiative to move forward. Having these skills ready makes me feel more confident in how I will handle these crucial conversations when they need to take place.
I've learned that before I start a conversation with someone, I need to start with myself and check my motives. By asking myself questions like, What do I really want for myself?, What do I really want for others?, What do I really want for the relationship?, and How would I behave if I really wanted these results?, I can prepare myself to come to the crucial conversation with an open mind and heart. It's important to come to the conversation knowing what I ultimately really want and to be prepared to sincerely listen to others and want to build on our relationship (Patterson et al., 2012, pp. 43-46).
Once a crucial conversation is started, it's important I look for and consider problems happening in the conversation before they become too severe and too difficult to recover from. Some of these issues are: "the moment a conversation becomes crucial, signs that people don't feel safe (silence or violence)," (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 54) and my own personal physical and emotional reactions to a stressful conversation. It's important to look and recognize these as they will allow me to step back, slow down, and turn my brain back on instead of letting my emotions or others' emotions run the conversation (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 54). Having crucial conversations requires safety. No one will want to share their thoughts and emotions if they don't feel safe. So it's very important to be able to spot the signs that myself or others are feeling like I'm pushing too hard, experiencing fear, worried about being attacked or humiliated and becoming defensive. Understanding that if a conversation isn't safe and knowing how to keep a conversation safe, is critical in having productive hard conversations.
Even though I'm keeping an eye out for safety and working on keeping a conversation safe, I can't control others; I'll need to be prepared for when safety is threatened and a conversation becomes stalled from moving forward in a safe and productive manner. The authors provide specific steps to help address how to make it safe so that conversations can continue focusing on the issues to be discussed. The first step is for me to consider which condition of safety is at risk. Is it mutual purpose or mutual respect that is threatened? Mutual purpose can be threatened when others believe that I have malicious intent on some level and don't care about their goals or views. If my goal is to manipulate others and I only care about my own agenda, it will be quickly become apparent and safety for those having the conversation with me will be threatened, thus shutting our conversation down. To fix this, I need to convey that I genuinely care about their goals, interests, and values. Some signs that mutual purpose is compromised is a debate style of conversation, defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, and circling back to the same topic (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 77). Mutual respect is threatened when people feel like they have to defend themselves, they might pout or name call, yell or make threats. If someone feels disrespected, the conversation can become highly charged and keep progress from moving forward, shutting down a conversation. In order to fix this situation, the authors offer the following steps: apologize, create a contrast by explaining what I don't and do intend, and then create a mutual purpose between the two of us (Patterson et al., 2012, pp. 76-86). Having these specific tools to handle conversations where mutual purpose or respect is lost will be very helpful for me when and if I have to have crucial conversations with people during my EPortfolio initiative; I feel like I am better prepared to face these types of challenging conversations now that I have some tools to deal with them.
While having crucial conversations with others, I need to remember that we all have our own unique stories and that I am responsible for my own emotions during a conversation. It's important that I use my brain and not my emotions during crucial conversations. I need to make sure that I think out my emotions and choose them instead of letting my emotions control me. We feel emotions because of the stories that we tell ourselves; having the ability to not let these stories control me is key to having a level headed crucial conversation. "If we take control of our stories, they won't control us. People who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations" (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 111). One of the keys to doing this is to check the facts and stick to the facts as "conclusions are subjective...they express judgments and attributions that, in turn, create strong emotions" (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 116).
Keeping the conversation safe is key and so is sharing my path with those whom I'm communicating with. To do this, I need to remember to keep to the facts because they are the least controversial, the are the most persuasive, and the least insulting. It's equally important for me to hear my partner in the conversations' story and understanding that their story is equally valid and important. When sharing my story, I need to keep it as just that, a story and not hard facts that can't be changed or molded in a different way. Talking in a tentative manner signals to my partner in conversation that nothing is set in stone and I'm open to their story, facts, and thoughts and experiences. As well, I can signal that I am open to others' opinions and find them valid by inviting them to talk about their opposing views, mean it when I do so. It's not about winning a debate; it's about engaging in a real dialogue where both participants have a mutual purpose and respect (Patterson et al., 2012, pp. 131-147).
As I have crucial conversations with my colleagues regarding aspects of my EPortfolio initiative, I'll need to make sure that once all relevant meaning has been put in the "shared pool" that decisions move to action. Depending on the situation, we'll use command, consult, vote, and consensus. In order for all of the work that's accomplished in the crucial conversation to be realized, we'll have to determine "who does what by when". It's very important that this information is crystal clear, commitments recorded, follow-up check ins are determined, and stakeholders be held "accountable for their promises (Patterson et al., 2012, pp. 179-187).
After reading Crucial Conversations, I feel prepared to handle those tough conversations I'll need to have as I implement my EPortfolio initiative.
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for
talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.
Comentarios